“Book 1: My Charmed Ones!”
By: (Mister) Jimmie Ray Giboney.
Chapter 6: “Angel: Charmed × 2!”
There was a moment of silence that was broken when the green Lorne said, “Are we being Punked?” That was a reference to the Ashton Kutcher reality series “Punk’d” involving pranks against celebrities by celebrities that was of course inspired by Alan Funt’s classic “Candid Camera”. But if they were being pranked for any television program or theatrical movie, where would the cameras be? They would need a light source! Until the flashlight users arrived, it was dark. But Lorne was being serious. He had a point, and not just on the tip of a horn on his head either. This looked to good to be true! It looked incredible! Which it was, unless you believe in Magic, which Lorne wasn’t thinking about.
The two versions of Harmony were suddenly shoved away from each other when out of the blackness, three more Human females dropped downwards, hitting the concrete hard! The Harmony dressed in the sexy, white, business dress, was barely caught by her startled teammates. The Harmony dressed in her own superheroine costume, stopped herself mid-flight. That was one way to tell the two teams apart. The females-only team was dressed like comic book superheroines, masks and all. (Some had skirts, all micro-minis. Some pants, with some short, some long. The long pants form fitting. The shorts, short enough to show butts, but not crotches.) The other team wasn’t. Plus they had males involved. That team had no pregnancies. But some on the all-female team looked to be pregnant. But not in an ugly way, or fat way. They were tight, almost looking like they may be faking it! Unlike Piper.
The Piper who along with Sister Phoebe and Half-Sister Paige, was hitting hard on the concrete floor of the tunnel. After many instances of being smacked across rooms, and down hallways, they were used to the concept, even if they didn’t like it. This pregnant Piper wasn’t showing yet. Or if she were, it was just barely noticeable, if compared to her non-pregnant siblings. She wasn’t developed far along enough for the baby to protect her with his own Magic powers. Like when she was pregnant with Wyatt. Piper and Cole got into a fight, that didn’t harm them, but there was plenty of collateral damage to the house so her husband Leo had to break them up.
The Halliwell Sisters hit the floor apart, with no one breaking another’s fall. But on the plus side, after plenty of experience, ironically none of it in roller derby rinks, they landed like falling skaters. Butts first, legs spread out, arms forward reaching over their extended legs. If they had more time, Phoebe could have used her Levitation Power to break her fall. Paige could have used her Orbing Power, while Piper could have used her Time Freeze Power to break her fall. But the vortex was not wide. They had looked like they were shrunken when they were being absorbed in. When the vortex deposited them, they looked like they had expanded in mid-air, after being squirted out like they had come from a giant, cake-icing dispenser squeeze tube.
Like the kind professional bakers and/or chefs use. Or you could be mean spirited and say they looked like some giant, black beast, had defecated them out, but you are not that mean spirited are you? Their butts hurt, and they all three loudly exclaimed their sudden impact pains. They sat there practically motionless, recovering from their ordeal, and getting their breaths back.
Floating Harmony came down to their aid. Fallen and then caught Harmony, and her teammates had yelped varying terms of astonishment, with Spike’s “Bloody Hell!” being the loudest. The tunnel was crowded by three more bodies. Flashlights had been dropped, in order to catch Harmony. The flashlights didn’t break, but they had bounced and rolled, so their beams were at strange angles to the scene. So the three beams of light were no longer concentrated on the center of the action. Causing some more gasps, some cussing, and some cursing from the same team. Harmony’s backwards fall had exposed her panties to the others, across the way that could still see everything that was going on. Including the floating, or hovering, Harmony as she flew down to help with the new drop-ins. This distracted her enough that she paused to gawk.
Actually her husband had done the pausing for them. Not that Princess Harmony could blame him. But there were damsels in distress who needed help! Right? Her husband loved beauty, especially the sexy kind. But he was not a wife swapper, or a trespasser. He could and did accept duplications, but only if they were not with another guy. They had to be single in all connotations of the word. So his pause, gave her pause, and she noticed who the three new arrivals looked like! Uh, oh! Now not only were there two of her here, there were three more of the Charmed Ones here! Golly! Only three? Why only three? Shouldn’t there be a fourth one and a fifth one? If there was going to be more of them why not have the whole set?
Miss Harmony was unaware of her having flashed her panties to a whole lot of women. But she was indignant about having been knocked off of her feet. At least she was caught so her butt didn’t impact on anything, thus saving her dress from possible ruin. Spike’s shouting in her ear of “Bloody Hell!” didn’t help her feel any better though. He had been so loud, she wasn’t sure if Angel or Wesley had said anything either. The “Old One”, Illyria, hadn’t moved a muscle to help, nor had she said anything either, not even in exclamation. She was just standing there, like she had no place else to be, and nothing else to do. Lorne had reacted in conjunction with Angel, to catch her and break her possible body slam. But he hadn’t said anything new, as if he were expecting an answer to his previous query about a possible link to that cute Ashton Kutcher. As the men got back to their feet, from a knees bent position, so too was Harmony lifted back to her feet.
The Illyria the Old One, in Fred’s body, apparently came to a decision. She gestured, and a visible, albeit translucent, force shield appeared in front of their group. The doppelgangers were now separated from them. Harmony thought this was a positive checkmark on the proverbial list. Maybe their version of Fred was doing this in reaction to the sexier Winifred on the other side?
Miss Harmony had a secret, sexual fantasy involving making out with herself, and maybe this would save her from such a temptation? She had seen that installment of “The Jerry Springer Show” about identical twins who had sexual relations with each other and thought of it as an “advanced form of masturbation”. She had been suspicious about such activities, because of certain videos made by “Playboy Video” that she had seen on display in various video shops about the city. Her curiosity had been aroused, for as one aware of Magic, the situation could very well come up. Sure enough, she had met her double! There was the temptation factor!
So maybe for now, the force shield was a good idea. She wanted to do right by her boss, Angel. He had been very good for her a lot lately. Her boss Angel said, “Good thinking!” to the “Old One” known as “Illyria” too. Albeit no one seemed to want to say much, just yet.
Piper, Phoebe, and Paige got their breaths back, and carefully regained their self-composure even as they carefully, slowly, regained their feet to a standing upright position. They used their hands to dust themselves and each other off. If Paige had thought of it, she could have removed the dust by saying, “Dust!” But it was more fun to watch them, to see them using the hands-on approach. They groaned and moaned too. They took stock of their new situation. In unison the three of them said, “Oh, crap!” The one being addressed as “Phoebe” had a short hair-style. Another noticeable difference. The three of them looked up to where they had fallen from. The one addressed as “Piper”, at least she matched their “Piper” name wise. She said, “Wyatt! Wyatt, sweetie! That was cute! But Mommy needs for you to bring us back to you now! Sweetie! Sweetie?!” They could tell by her behavior, inflections, and tone, that she was addressing a baby.
She didn’t get what she wanted though. Instead, the baby named “Wyatt” appeared in her arms with a shower of sparkling blue and white light! The baby’s mother Piper said, “Oh, dear! Wyatt! What have you gotten us into now?!” while Phoebe and Paige said, “Crap!” in unison. Piper was holding Wyatt close to her, protectively, while trying to gently chide him, and get him to understand what it was he had apparently done to himself and to his mother and aunts. She looked up at her sisters with a smirk on her face though, because of the pun! They were in a sewer system! Albeit there didn’t seem to be any actual crap involved thus far. (Of course not! Storm sewers and septic sewers are two different systems in modern cities!)
Wyatt was so cute! He must have been irresistible as the superheroic looking women suddenly rushed in asking Piper if they could admire him, saying the usual lines about cute babies, and such. It never seemed to fail! Bring a cute baby into almost any situation and people had to come and see it, and to coo at it. If they could tell she was pregnant again, they may start to rub her belly! Those behind the force shield seemed to be content where they were, for now. Was that a good sign? Phoebe and Paige, acted like they were her personal bodyguards, trying to keep paparazzi away from her and Wyatt in front to the “Emmy Awards Show”, while on the red carpet.
Meanwhile, Princess Prue, Princess Piper, Princess Paige, and Princess Pepper Ann, having been affected too, were trying to get a close-up look at the cute baby. Then what could only be described as the sound of a lot of female butts in Magical outfits, being gently swatted by male hands all at once, occurred, and the women with the affected butts backed away from the Halliwell-Matthews team of Charmed Ones. The ones not swatted could still appreciate the sound though, and they all looked around for the source or cause of it, and found nothing detectable to them, not even to the Old One also known as “Illyria”.
Then as if obligated to appease some admiring fans watching from afar, Miss Harmony, she asked for the shield to be let down. The guys mumbled a debate, and then Angel approved of her request. Harmony stepped forward and went directly to her almost look alike. “Almost”, as she couldn’t help but notice the larger breasts, that looked like they were engorged with breastmilk, possibly. Then she formally introduced herself, handshake and all. She then said, “Harmony! May I hug you?” and before she could go off on an exposition tangent to explain why, she got to do the hug she asked for, and when the hug was over there was some breastmilk involved!
What’s the next thing you know? Well, besides knowing that old Jed’s a millionaire, now you know that the others had to do the same with their duplicates! I.e., Princess Winifred and the Old One Illyria. Princess Winifred had to do the walking, as the Old One Illyria wasn’t moving anywhere without Wesley beside her. When Princess Piper met Witch Piper, and they hugged, they both had breastmilk issues. When Princess Paige and Witch Phoebe hugged, it was one sided, with Princess Paige being the only lactating one. Then when Witch Paige and Princess Pepper Ann hugged, it was the same way as Princess Pepper Ann got Witch Paige wet!
Then Princess Prue stepped forward, as did Princess Phoebe. They asked in unison, “Where are our doppelgangers? Why don’t we have anyone to meet, greet, and hug?”
While this was going on, the guys had decided to go introduce themselves to Princess Buffy Anne, or “Buffy II”, Princess Faith, Princess Willow, Princess Amy, and Princess Dawn as well. But especially to Princess Cordelia, Princess, Anya, and Princess Tara, who had been dead to them. They wanted to hug Princess Winifred too! But she was with the Old One Illyria still. Meanwhile, all of the scents from the breastmilk spots were having an affect on Baby Wyatt, who was thinking it was time to drink! Which he indicated by grabbing his mother’s breasts to let her know that he was thirsty again!
But the hug festival halted suddenly, leaving Baby Wyatt’s hand sounds as the only audible sounds, as he tried to access his mother’s two feeding outlets on his own. No one seemed to care, because of the sudden detectable sadness of Princess Prue and Princess Phoebe’s questions. There was a dramatic pause. Baby Wyatt had found a nipple and began to suckle, all on his own initiative. But no one noticed. The affect of his comic relief, though unintended for his part, was wasted thusly.
Witch Piper, Witch Phoebe, and Witch Paige, explained as a team, the circumstances of their Witch Prudence’s death. Seeing this Princess Prue alive, meant a lot to them. Especially to Witch Paige, who had only met Witch Pru as a dog, and as a young, little girl, thanks to time travel. Not to mention having only photographs to see her face by. They had dealt with Princess Prue first, as they had no idea who the other “Phoebe” was! So it was their turn to listen as they were told about the whole fraternal twins issue, or matter, or concept. Which sort of explained it, but then they had to compare notes on, “The Power of Three” versus “The Power of Five”. Witch Paige also noticed that unlike with herself, her doppelganger, named “Princess Pepper Ann”, had kept her larger bust!
When she brought it up, and asked how she could maneuver as well with them, Princess Pepper Ann said that she had not used a Magic Spell to enlarge her breasts. Pregnancy had done it for her. But then Witch Paige said, “Yeah, but I mean, taking that into consideration.” And Princess Pepper Ann said that she had always had larger breasts than her schoolmates, ever since she hit puberty. Witch Paige puzzled on that for a while. It would be in the back of her mind from then on, until later circumstances would remove it from her mind altogether.
Meanwhile, Angel, Wesley, Spike, and Lorne, had to deal with explaining the deaths of their Miss Buffy, and Miss Buffy returning from the dead more than once. How Miss Amy had been a caged rat for some time. How Miss Faith had been comatose, but recovered. How Miss Willow had become a ghost, and met her vampiress, alternate reality self. How she had gone Dark, and returned. But what was worse, was telling them that Miss Tara died, Miss Anya died, and Miss Cordelia died, and had not been able to come back like Miss Buffy.
The three Princesses thought that was most unfair! Then the Goddess Glorificus and Miss Dawn were brought up, as was Mistress Joyce Summers. There were mutual exchanges of looks, as one side learned of the divorce of the Summers, and then of Goddess Glorificus’ pursuit of Miss Dawn, and of Goddess Glorificus’ death while in her brother Ben’s body. Then of how Mistress Joyce Summers had a brain tumor, and had died from surgical complications after she checked herself out and went home against doctor’s advice. Of how Miss Buffy had sacrificed herself to save her little sister, and so on and so forth. Then Angel, Wesley, and Spike listened. They heard, or learned, that the “parental Summers” had never divorced, and that Mistress Joyce Summers was still alive, which made them all happy to hear! Then they learned that in this alternate scenario world, Princess Glory and her brother Ben had never been fused into one being. Princess Glory had never been evil! Instead, her brother Ben had been the evil one! This was too bad, as males were a rarity these days. Yes, it was still Prince Rupert Giles who had the opportunity to kill Ben by breaking his neck! Princess Glory was a goddess, but not an evil one, and she still had her keys intact, and Princess Dawn was not one of them! Princess Glory wasn’t here, because she was a “shy goddess” when it came to “divine intervention”. Angel and Spike, they tensed as they waited to hear the next questions answered, about who did Angel and Spike…..
Princess Buffy Anne Dragon, or Princess Buffy Anne Free Spirit, also simply known as “Buffy II”, she said to Angel and Spike, “Who do you guys do it with? Your respective wives of course. Should I be suspicious about something here?” And then shyly, Angel and Spike explained their tumultuous relationship triangle. This Buffy II looked like she emotionally wanted to vomit, but wasn’t biologically able to do so! Once she recovered, Angel and Spike were told names. Angel had been bitten by a Vampiress Darla, who sired him into a vampire. Then the two of them had made a poor girl named Miss Drusilla, a vampiress. Vampiress Drusilla, she then turned Master William into a vampire, and changed his name to “Spike”, because he had used a railroad spike to torture a man with. Well, so far this wasn’t news to either vampire, Angel or Spike.
Princess Buffy Anne continued her narrative flow saying, “The four had ravaged Old World Europe, feeding on innocent people as needed, and then some. Then the Twentieth Century arrived, and in the Nineteen-Thirties, the ‘Golden Age of Super-Heroics’ had begun. So the four of them avoided the Western Hemisphere, since so-called ‘Mystery Men’ had begun in the United States of America. The Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Zorro had appeared in the Nineteenth Century actually. But then such men as they didn’t appear again until the middle of the Nineteen-Thirties. Well, okay Tarzan was in Africa, not the Americas. Still the majority of super-heroes was North American, or came to North America from elsewhere. The ‘Justice Society of America’, was the most famous example of a group of them.” Spike interrupted her then, and he could tell she didn’t like being interrupted when she was in exposition mode. Spike said, “What about Captain Nemo and the Nautilus crew and his colleagues? Didn’t they start in the Nineteenth-Century too?” Princess Buffy Anne seemed impressed with him as she said, “Well, yes ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ began at the turn of the last century. Could you please not interrupt the narrative flow, though?!”
The women had been taking turns answering the men’s many questions. That’s because, Angel realized suddenly, they were behaving as equals! This “Princess Buffy Anne” wasn’t acting as the group leader, like the Miss Buffy that he and Spike were used to dealing with. But why was she talking about fictional characters as if they were real? Spike was teasing them by his random name dropping of these characters. Angel thought Xander was the only one with so much comic book trivia in his head! Well, this was a different side of Spike! As Spock would say, “Fascinating.”
Angel thought about how he was in love with Buffy and Cordelia. How Spike claimed he was in love with Buffy, if not Harmony. Maybe Harmony? Angel and Spike, at the moment, both were trying not to drool, as they tried not to stare at how the women were dressed! Buffy’s black boots were long! So long that there wasn’t any room for pants, short or long. She had the so-called “camel-toe” look happening for her! Ironically her outfit was like Vampirella’s, just not as skimpy. Also, don’t forget the boots. Mustn’t forget the boots! Oh, look! Fishnet leggings too! She looked so yummy with her hair up like that! She didn’t wear a mask, and he found that interesting. But he didn’t ask why not. Maybe he’d do that later.
Figure 1: Princess Buffy Anne in her Superheroine garb. Hair up & hair down! (Notice that she does have two styles here. One with laces in front, one without.)
He also couldn’t help but notice, that this Princess Buffy Anne’s skin was blemish free!
Now how could they arrange for that without using make-up cosmetics? Aha! The soles on her boots, and the high heals boosted her height a few inches, but how did she walk, let alone run at Superspeed while wearing them? She must truly be something! He was tempted to pull her strings and see what she’d do about it! Part of him thought he must be under the influence of her pheromones or something. Part of him didn’t care at all! Wait a second! Did she have pieced ear lobes?! She must not have Invulnerability then! She probably still had her Super-Strength though. He’d better not tempt his fate any longer!
Angel decided that Spike had had enough fun. It was time to get back on track! So he tapped Spike’s shoulder to signal that he should stop with the digression. Spike stopped dropping names, even though he had learned quite a lot by doing so. Coincidently enough, it was Princess Cordelia’s turn to speak again. Angel asked who his counterpart was with, not quite knowing how to ask such a personal question about himself, knowing himself as he did! Princess Cordelia said that Prince Angel was playing in a celebrity invitational golf tournament hosted by Lord Lorne Kravelorneswath, formerly of the Deathwok Clan of Planet Pylea. Angel thought that was interesting, but instead of digressing with a follow-up, he clarified his question’s intent. So he said, “Cordelia, what…” She held up a finger and corrected him when she said, “Please, it’s always ‘Princess Cordelia’! Now continue!” Angel cleared his throat to swallow his pride. He started again, “Princess Cordelia, what I meant was. Who is your version of me romantically involved with now? Who is Spike romantically involved with now, for that matter?” and Spike nodded in agreement as Angel pointed at him. Then Spike said, “That’s right! Who are we shagging with?!” Princess Cordelia replied, “If you mean, right now? None of us, I can assure you of that much!” Spike guffawed as Angel mumbled to Spike, “Ah, she sure reminds me of our dearly departed Cordy!”
Princess Cordelia said, “Hey, I heard that! Whispering in mumbles won’t help you! We have Super-Hearing just like Supergirl you know!” Well, they didn’t know that already at all!
Princess Willow felt prompted to speak at that point, when Spike’s guffaw subsided. So she said, “Angel! Your counterpart, Prince Angel Liam Angelus the First, is married to Princess Dreamy Despair Dragon, also known as Princess Dream Despair Free Spirit, depending on whose real estate you happen to be on. If you are with the Lord Emperor and Lady Empress, it is the latter form of address. If you are with my Lord Husband, then the former is apt. It’s complicated I know.
It takes some getting used too, believe me, I know! Sometimes I get my own name confused! But they say I’m too cute to be disappointed with, pat me on my head, and then let be ramble on like I’m doing now. Uh, that would be the Lord Emperor and Lady Empress, not my Lord Husband! Do you think I ramble too much? Hey, does your Miss Willow ramble too? Oh, but that’s not important now. Uh, okay. You have the daughter of Princess Death and her Lord Husband who is also mine. Princess Dreamy Despair is your Primary Wife in your, rather his… No. Wait! Your counterpart who is from where I’m from! He has a Harem-Bevy of eighteen wives, okay! Princess Dreamy is Wife One, the Primary Wife! But your counterpart also happens to have his very own Princess Darla! The same one Princess Buffy Anne was trying to tell you about! That Princess Darla is your Secondary Wife. Spike! Your counterpart has a Harem-Bevy as well! He is known as, ‘Prince William the Bloody Spike, the First’! His Primary Wife is, Princess Happy Gay Dragon, daughter of Princess Delight Delirium and our Lord Husband. Princess Delight is Princess Death’s younger sister. Prince William’s Secondary Wife is his version of Princess Drusilla, who is the same one Princess Buffy Anne was trying to tell you about. Prince William’s Wives number at twenty-five!”
Spike smiled upon hearing that his counterpart bested Angel’s counterpart at something! Angel also seemed to get that take on it too. Princess Anya said, “I take it by your attitudes that you come from a monogamous society. Well, we aren’t. Ours is a polygamist society. Polygamy was never outlawed here. Monogamy and Polygamy were options that coexisted until Monogamy became obsolete, as it was no longer practical. It became impractical because of three wars. World War III nearly devastated our world, our planet. But due to some interventions, or interference depending on who you ask, the World was sort of restored. Some Mystical Entities had decided to use Humanity as an experiment. The experiment was noted by some Omnipotent Entities, who out of curiosity came to our world to see what was going on. They didn’t like what they saw.”
Princess Anya continued by saying, “So what has been dubbed as another ‘War of the Gods’ ensued, with the Omnipotent Entities winning and the Mystical Entities loosing.” She stopped there with her story and Princess Harmony continued on by saying, “But while they were warring, here on Planet Earth. Well, let me clarify that! On our version of Planet Earth, what had begun as a ‘Battle of the Sexes’ in the sports world, eventually became an all out Gender War. Both wars climaxed at the same time. No pun intended! The Females won the Gender War! Hence the downfall of Monogamy. From a population of six billion Humans, plus or minus a few million or so, before World War III, to an unknown amount that was less than six billion, but more than one million. There has yet to be an accurate census, because a lot of people went into hiding and have yet to come out from wherever they hid out at. When the Mystic Entities intervened, they repopulated our Planet Earth, Our World, with creatures previously designated as either ‘mythical’, ‘supernatural’, or at least ‘paranormal’, to see how well they could get along with us surviving Humans. Humans, who had been using Magic secretly, were thrilled at first. But then we learned that Humans were being used as cattle by more powerful lifeforms, but that we think of as primitive, like Demons, Dragons, et cetera.”
Angel, Spike, and the rest of their team, had become entranced by Princess Willow and the other speakers, and casual chit-chat had ended. The Halliwells were listening in as well. The Old One Illyria was curious too, since she deduced that she may have been classified as a “Mystical Entity”. So she was paying close attention to Princess Harmony’s narrative. The Harem-Bevy had quit taking turns, Princess Harmony had the floor. What Angel and his side didn’t realize was that Princess Harmony had the power to induce harmony into a situation and she was using it now. Even the second set of Charmed Ones were listening to Princess Harmony.
But wouldn’t you know it! Princess Harmony had just gotten everyone’s undivided attention, as her narrative flow was becoming an epic. Their mission, or quest, or chore, or task, forgotten for the moment. Making them appear to be vulnerable. They had thought that they had discovered another interdimensional and temporal nexus point., which allowed people from alternate realities to crossover and maybe meet their counterparts. So of course they felt like they had time to spare for idle pleasantries. Like the one they were engaged in now. But as it turns out, Firecracker had been correct about the new Hellmouth!
The End of Chapter Six!